Oh how I love you so. The one of three things that keep me living is the fact that you are here in my life and continue to please. Not to mention, this is a new beginning! 100 years and you haven’t… well you turned into a shithole but thats okay, not everything is perfect. Either way, Im just glad youre back! It’s been too long of an offseason, and we all know anything will be better than that superbowl game you gave us you fucking cowards. But, a new season, a new me, and a new you too! Love you bby see you soon xxoo
Let’s get right into it baby.
Packers 10 Bears 3
Ah and what way to kick off the 100th season of football with a score that would happen 100 years ago! This is a classic case of “Our defense is amazing but our QB sucks” Because Trubisky didn’t know if he should under throw, overthrow, or just throw a fucking pick for god sakes, Trub, we don’t expect much but you were in the PRO BOWL MAN! And every throw is just as laughable as the next to know the Bears traded up for you over Mahomes and Watson, who are both far more successful this week.
Chiefs 46 Jaguars 20
Nick “Big Dick” Foles broke his fucking clavical and is out for the season, so I am sad. Atleast Minshew looked good after his terrible preseason performance, breaking the record for best rookie start with his completion percentage of 88%. And for some people who for some reason believed Mahomes was going to fall off, he broke the record for most passing yards in a first half, so suck it. Tyreek Hill is out for a couple of weeks though with an injury, so looks like that suspension he was supposed to have for abusing his child gave him some fat fucking karma. And yes, in american sports, if you abuse your kid its just a suspension. Welcome to the NFL.
Titans 43 Browns 13
Looks like the overhype was fucking REAL. The Browns decided to kill their momentum by being undisciplined team and getting penalized every god damn play, and apparently Mayfield really plays like shit when hes mad, because three of his four drives turned into INTs. What the hell are you doing Mayfield? Calm down pal. Youll get them next time… hopefully.
Ravens 59 Dolphins 10
Hey who let the college team into the NFL? Rumor has it that after this game, MULTIPLE Dolphins players asked to “get the hell out of here” like they’re stuck in a communist country being held prisoner and I dont blame them after the team said “we aren’t tanking” and pull this shit. YOUR QUARTERBACK IS FITZPATRICK! Stop pretending like you’re not tanking when you clearly don’t give a fuck and want to get that first pick for Tua which WILL END BAD BECAUSE HES AN ALABAMA QUARTERBACK! The only ‘successful’ Alabama Quarterback played like one starting season and sucked. You are putting your trust in a garbage future and its your fault, congrats assholes.
Falcons 12, Vikings 28
Vikings won and the Falcons are overhyped. NEXT!
Bills 17 Jets 16
The battle for 2nd in the AFC East, great. And both Quarterbacks looked terrible. Even greater. Heres a tweet from the future president.
Redskins 27 Eagles 32
Ayy an entertaining game! Vernon Davis, the 35 year old TE made an insane touchdown during this game.
And the return of Jackson who had two deep catches for touchdowns! Very entertaining to say the least. And it wouldnt be an eagles game if eagles fans weren’t trying to fight people.
Rams 30 Panthers 27
The Rams were in control the whole time and Newton looked garbage. NEXT!!!
Colts 24 Chargers 30 OT
CONGRATS BRISSETT! You looked very good against the Chargers for everyone who was doubting you, but youre an OSU quarterback so i don’t trust you. Other then that, Ekeler looked outstanding, having the most fantasy points with two passing touchdowns and a game sealing rushing touchdown, so Melvin Gordon is fucking shaking because his job will be gone. Thats all.
Lions 27, Cardinals 27
Well Matt Stafford looked like
So suspect him to retire. Cardinals fans fucking hated this, Lions fans hated it more, fuck ties, fuck the NFL’s shitty rules on ties. Fuck.
49ers 31 Buccaneers 17
YAY MY TEAM WON! Jimmy G looks… well…
but our defense looks great!.. well… we did play Winston, and Winston is a quarterback that can be compared to a leftover microwavable dinner that you leave in the fridge for 3 weeks doing nothing else with it. Why are you in here? Why haven’t I thrown you away? Youre garbage.
Steelers 3 Patriots 33
Congrats to the Patriots, not only on possibly already winning a superbowl, but also colluding with Antonio Brown to get him on their team by telling him what to do so he can get kicked off the Raiders. Yeah thats right, the clown himself is now on the Patriots. It’s great that you have an organization thats own by a guy who got away from a prostitution ring, and now a clown who liked a tweet saying the GM should be r*ped. Congrats on your great win though you clown organization, you beat a very shitty Steelers. Now either win or lose the Superbowl, and fuck off indefinitely.
Texans 28 Saints 30
A comeback of a comeback, this game was a THRILLER! Really good offense by both sides, but here’s the thing about drew brees: If you give him a minute to get 3 points, say no more, its going to happen. That’s exactly what happened, when the Texans scored a touchdown and even got to retry their FG because of a roughing the kicker penalty that they missed, they went up 28-27. But, Brees came through and his team too to bring them to field goal range, and knock a 58 Yard Field Goal. Great football game overall, this is what football is about.
Broncos 16 Raiders 24
ACTUALLY this is what football is about. Yes, the angry fans of the Raiders chanting “Fuck AB” with all their hearts play their possibly last monday night football game in Oakland before they move Las Vegas. The O-Line looked insanely good against that stacked Broncos defense, and Flacco looked below average as usual. The Raiders, I’m truly happy they won this. They deserve a big win after all that shit AB put them through, and I hope it continues. Maybe they’ll even go 8-8! Either way, I’m happy here.
Well that is all for today. Come back next week to see me talk about more football. That’s all I only talk about. Football. Football. Football. You. Will. Never. Stop. Me.